School Rant

It’s been awhile since I have wrote a rant period, but that’s okay because now I am writing one; and not just on anything though, this is focusing specifically on school. So I have been attending University of Phoenix for some time now, and I really do enjoy the classes and everything they offer to help you help yourself and your grades through out your classes.

So I am in my third class that focuses mainly on Business, although the class I am taking doesn’t exactly match to what I am majoring in, its an accounting class. Most businesses don’t depend on the manager to take care of the account as well, maybe some aspects of it, but not learning everything to do with accounting.

So this accounting class is actually pretty damn hard, I can’t seem to get a grasp on filling out the charts, forms, and everything that has to do with running a business. So here I am in week 2 of this class and I am down to my assignments, which are filling out the forms, and their not multiple choice at all. So its a struggle.

Week 2 in this class, 5 weeks of this class, my baby is due 1 week and 3 days! Yes I have a lot on my plate, I am first time mother, 2nd time college student, first time wife. And I am only 22. I still live with my grandparents okay. There is real struggle here in this town I live in, not just for me myself but for everyone in it.

My college degree won’t mean nothing in this town, but that’s okay because it will mean something to me, it will show me, my daughter, husband, friends and family how hard I worked and how much effort I put into things that I desire to have. I’m not quite fully responsible, but I know right from wrong, and I know to tell the truth rather than lie, and I also know when its time to take responsibility for your actions.

So I noticed that I jumped on subjects here sorta, but the end of the school week is Monday at midnight, the school week starts on Tuesday and ends on Mondays, and here it is Sunday night at 9:51 with 6 assignments due, by tomorrow at midnight Phoenix, Arizona time, and I can’t get into the website.

Which just means, what ever plans I had for tomorrow, has been pushed to Tuesday, and I guess I will be rushing to get my assignments done, that I have no idea how to do. But that’s okay!

Seductive, Sexy, ??

I remember when I was around 19-20 years old, and my friends with benefits would always tell me I need to learn to act more sexy. Seeing as how he was older than me, he seemed to know what he was talking about, and what he was looking for in a women.

How do you act sexy? Or how do you start to become more sexy? Apparently this is not just a word to describe how one looks, but also how one presents themselves in the bed and during playful time. Could someone please explain this role to me, or at least give me some steps to follow?

I always thought I had a sexy body, and that was all that I needed to become or act sexy, but apparently there is a whole new meaning and world beyond what the word originally stands for.

And the next thing or rather area I would like to explore is being Seductive, or Seducing. I use to have my game on and be able to do shit like this, but now that I have stopped doing the drugs, and settled down quite a bit, I seemed to forget how to seduce a man and be seductive and general. How does one forget these things? Someone explore this subject with me, I want to hear answers from other peoples perspectives. I enjoy learning new things from different points of view. Just comment below and strike up a conversation with me letting me know some ideas and tips or lessons. Or you can email me at my personal email @ Just put this title in the subject and let me know which area you would like to discuss or both areas.

Thanks for stopping in and Joining My NightMarish ClusterF*ck

Music, Sex, & Temptations!

Yes this is a very interesting topic. And well I guess what I am getting at here, is how does Music affect your sexual temptations?

I am not sure about any of you guys, but apparently I am not the only person who has this issue. I did some research to figure out a few reasons of why music rises my or your sex drive, other than the obvious reason, if you are enjoying the music it releases endorphins and dopamine which causes you a sexual arousal.

My whole thing is how does music affect this and why? I haven’t really got a solid base search on this, so I figured I would just talk about what I already know and what I think I know.

For starters Music leads to all kinds of different feelings for different people. When I listen to certain upbeat songs, it gives me cravings and temptation to wanting to persuade in a sexual act. I enjoy listening to music while having sex, I get really into it, as far as moving my body in with the rhythm of the song that I am currently listening to. Some partners may find this unattractive or odd. But some will explore deeper into this, if thats your thing and your partner likes to learn new things about you, and learn what you run off of.

In my case, I have a boyfriend, that I enjoy having sex with, but with his busy work schedual, I feel that I don’t get enough sex. I am addicted to sex in general, and its hard for me to have to wait for long periods of time before the next release. Which is anywhere from one to two weeks. I know I can release myself, but this makes me feel uncomfortable, I enjoy sex with another person. Which this seems pretty normal to me.

When I get to listening to the music that puts me in that type of mood that causes my sex drive go into overdrive, my temptation levels rise, and I don’t like this because it makes me want to just sleep with someone just to get off. And a lot of people would normally break it off with someone if they aren’t getting pleased in the ways they want to be pleased, but I feel that is so not the way to go. Because if you really like someone and want to be with them, than you need to accept that they have other prioties before you, and you just have to wait your turn. But its so hard, when you are addicted to sex, and feel that you want or need it all the time.

And others may be wondering if the music I am listening to makes me tempt my sex life, than I shouldn’t listen to it. And this is where this gets hard, because I am not going to stop enjoying the music I like just because I hit overdrive and get tempted with all these different options to release myself. I need to learn how to take better control of the issue, and come out with a decent solution to my problem.

I am 21 and he is 31, I been doing a lot of thinking on this one, he has two kids and I have none, I do want kids of my own one day, but thats for another subject. I been thinking maybe I am too young to be trying to settle down, or maybe we are just on two completely different levels with this. But older guys know and can have just as much fun as younger women. Just because he is older doesn’t mean he isn’t a sex addict himself. Which honestly I don’t think he is, because he doesn’t want it as much as me, as far as I can tell, without exploring in deep conversation on that subject.

He allows me to explore a tad, but I been with guys only a couple years younger than him, that I explored 10 different ways of levels with. Which I enjoyed so much, because we taught each other new things. This has helped me a lot now with new people. But I want that exploration back, in my new relationship, I am just wondering how for is he willing to go? And I don’t want to come straight out and ask him, so what would be a good way to ease into that subject? He allows me to have my fun when the tunes are on, which is the first person who let me dance while screwing. I enjoyed it so much, its like I was high off the sex, it was absolutely amazing.

I am going to end this post right here and right now, because a new subject just popped in my head that I need to explore deeper into. And get opinions from my readers as well.

CKY – Bam Margera – FuckFace Unstoppable – Viva La Bam

So I been watching a lot of Viva La Bam, and by the way I absolutely love this show, I can’t wait to finish out season 5, than continue on to Bam Margera’s other shows like Bam’s World Domination, and Viva La Spring Break, and what ever else I can find of his. I also ran onto his band on YouTube, I absolutely love his music as well, he has a great sense of humor and personality. I even checked out some of his and his brothers and their crews older stuff, on the band CKY. I love their music. It’s all great. And for you people who don’t know who or what any of these are, you honestly don’t know shit about music and entertainment, and need to go get that checked the fuck out.

I love Bams sign the circle with the heart and triangle in it, I decided I was going to get a tat of it along with my monster signs. He has such a bad ass personality, and does what ever the fuck he wants, and thats what I like about him. Also he seems to be very family oriented, and I like that about him.

Because I notice a bunch of people who get rich, don’t incorporate their family into it, but he does. And that makes me feel good, he has a passion for skateboarding and he has a band, he also incorporates fun and entertainment into everything he does.

Yeah he might be an asshole at times, but if he wasn’t than people prob wouldn’t like him as much. He is awesome.

@Bam Margera

I’m a Boss Bitch Who Takes No Shit. Are you?

Have you ever heard the saying “Sticks and Stones”? Well if you haven’t, you are about to learn the meaning to it.

Words can hurt me, and I choose my own words wisely, even when I am speaking my mind freely. But even the most hurtful words can’t bring me down, because I have heard them all before. People call me a bitch to try and break me, and you know what? I call myself a Boss Bitch because they will never succeed in doing so.

I am a self-made woman, I’m not trying to marry up, Fuck that, anyone I date is marrying up by marrying me.

I live by the “fuck the haters” saying. Haters don’t discourage me, they just fuel my need to prove them fuckers wrong.

#NoFilter! Doesn’t matter if I’m Beyonce or not, I can still wake up and rock what I got. I’ve worked on my self-confidence and damn it if I’m not going to flaunt the hell out of it.

No Scrubs, Yeah I have dated some awful people, sure, but every single shithead taught me a lesson that I don’t just ignore because of a heartbreak. I kind of think ‘heartbreak’ is a stupid term, because one fallout doesn’t mean I’m broken or in need of repair- I’m just getting stronger.

I technically don’t do this one, but I am going to add it for the hell of it.

First place or No Place. Yeah I am going to try to be the best and honestly? Anyone trying to get in my way can just step the hell aside.

Bow The Fuck Down! I don’t need royal blood in my ancestry to know I am a queen. And the truest way to know that I am a queen, is to encourage the women around me to find their inner crown too.

Have it all? Nah. I don’t want to have it all in the traditional sense. I like what I like and don’t bother listening to what other people have to say about it. I am successful on my own terms.

I Werk, I’m not looking for a handout, I am not sitting around doing nothing. I am working hard to make a name for myself, building up my empire, and generally achieving world domination. *shoulder brush*

I know I am not *the* boss. I can’t be completely confident every single second, and I know that. On my worse days, I remind myself that I can’t take care of anyone else until I take care of myself. The realest reason everyone thinks I am *the* boss is that I know I really can just be in control of my own damn self-and thats the most powerful thing I can be.

Do You, boo! I don’t purposely take down others in a feeble attempt to feel better about myself. I am above that, and know that people who resort to catty, immature behavior like that are just trying to prove something they themselves don’t believe.

Ideas over people! When I get together with my equally-amazing friends, I discuss big ideas and dreams-not people. I respect people and don’t make it a point to needlessly gossip. I got big ideas and big dreams to discuss.

Fake friends? Nah not me! Flaky, inconsiderate, or otherwise toxic friends get put in a box to the left when they fool me more than once. Honestly? As much as it sucks to lose friends, I am ultimately happy to cut those people out of my life and make room for those who treat me with equal respect.

I’m not playing and you should remember that. In dating, I am upfront and honest about what I am looking for. I don’t play games, because I am a grown woman who has better things to do with her time than try to decipher a text message for two fucking hours. If someone is looking for what I am looking for, Great. If not, Bye.

I’ve got this Shit Covered. I’ve only got one body, so I am gonna make sure she gets the treatment she deserves. And that includes taking care of myself. The guy I am seeing tries to pull some, “I’ve got no condoms with me” move? Oh, lucky him, I came prepared and ain’t afraid to tell him, “Oh good, I brought some. But if you’re not down, I’m happy to leave.”

Lets get a little deeper into this Sex area. I’m not afraid of asking for exactly what I want in the bedroom. Yes, I will tell whoever is in my bed that, that is the right spot, yep, right there, keep doing that, thanks.

Alone? Single? No Problem. I don’t care about being single or being alone, because, hey, I am great company! Plus, one of life’s simple pleasures is being alone at home and drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels to myself. That is LIVING!

I take care of me. I take responsibility for how I feel and what I do with my life. You know that is why its called my life. I own my choices, my body, my truth, my everything. I’m not looking to throw the blame on someone else. If I’m not happy, I will take matters into my own hands. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to fix my life.

“Emotional” isn’t an insult in my vocabulary. I have feelings and I will be the first to admit that. I don’t subscribe to the idea of being “dead inside” or not caring about anything as being cool or intriguing. I don’t think anyone should go overboard and freak out because they feel a certain way, but I see the epitome of “strong” as being a mature adult who can share their emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

Believe in “yes”, but I know “no”. Boss bitches understand what it is to “lean in”, sure, but I’m not going to catch a true boss lady reaching over the table to clear someone else’s plate. I say “Yes”! to every challenge that I believe will help me be better or learn something new, but I know that it’s okay-and even the most positive thing, sometimes-to give a firm “no”.

Sorry not sorry. One of the biggest tragedies being a woman in this world is how often we are taught to apologize for ourselves. I make it a point to try to be confident and not say “sorry” for every little thing, but I remain open to thoughts and feelings of others in a way that allows for constructive criticism and personal growth. I know how to apologize, but I sure as hell won’t always be “sorry” for being my best self or an ass.

7 Layers of your minds consciousness

Meditation is your own experience. 

  1. Lowest Level “Painful Stage”
    1. Your numb, by your own pain, you feel that everyone is hurting you.
    2. In this stage you also try to escape from reality to your own fantasy world.
    3. You are oblivious to any signals that the heart is sending oneself instead you are taking signals from the brain which are blocking what the heart truly desires, and this causes pain and suffering.
    4. You feel angry with life all the time.
    5. You feel really judgmental, toward people and from people.
    6. When conflicts arise, you feel the need to fight back with “conflicts” and cause more of a conflict instead of a solution to solving the problem.
    7. You need to show people and yourself lots of love to overcome this level.
    8. There is a feeling of infinite knowledge that awaits to be awakened inside your brain, its almost like its locked away in a vault deep down in the blackness of your own thoughts.
  2. The Observer
    1. You are now more aware of your own thoughts.
    2. Remember awareness to the problem is the first step to solving it.
  3. The Observer of Your Thoughts, from a different point of view
    1. You become thoughtlessness of your own thoughts.
    2. You are now aware of the minds repetitiveness, how your thoughts and ideas repeat in a pattern.

#2 & #3 Lead me to believe the step in between 2 & 3 is becoming responsible for your own thoughts and actions. On your  way to #4 you begin to notice your beliefs about your thoughts becomes more abstract.

  1. Middle Level of Consciousness: #4 Realization
    1. This plays as an impact role on one’s revolution.
    2. You will feel infinite Joy and Abundance.
    3. You will also experience pure passion for longer periods of time, like if you were once more a mere child again.
    4. Bliss for life like a child.
    5. Than you will get to enjoy the true reality from the heart.
  2. #5 Effects of Nature and How One Treats it.
    1. Everyone in your own life is simply a mirror of ones self. Your own image basically
    2. Lessons learned.

Stay open to the possibility of a purpose which is changing and evolving. In other words as I understand it always Expect the Unexpected.

#5 cont. You begin to appreciate mother earth more, you enjoy the beauty of nature. You are able to establish connection with surrounding people. You can no longer see the boundaries that society has created. I like to take this as it broadens your horizons. “All is where it’s meant to be”.

  1. #6 The Answer to all is ‘love’
    1. In this area you experience infinite and limitless love for all creatures both breathing and none breathing, and no I don’t mean non breathing as like the Zombies, I mean like the tree and plants and so on you get it.
  2. #7 Pure Consciousness aka (Christ Consciousness)
    1. This is the highest level.
    2. Ego’s idea of self and will destroy it self. I like to call it self-destruct.
    3. You will also come to notice all the puzzle pieces finally fall in place and fit together properly, and with out effort, or trying.

Do not force your self to live on 1/7 of these levels of consciousness but become more aware of your own consciousness.

Accept that we are all different and everyone is special and is on this earth for a different meaning to each of their lives.

To learn more about meditation and breathing techniques which are highly recommended to achieve these levels. Do some research on ‘Holotropie breath-work’.

True Self-What we were before the world and society told us who we were going to be. Which by the way we have to discover our true self, which will take some true time, the last time we all remember being our true self, is before we were born. You never know what another persons state of mind is, remember only ego recognizes ego. Infinite Knowledge aka the spirit, the soul and many other names. The whole thing is illogical but was broke down into 7 layers/levels to explain in a more logical manner. Consciousness connection is being able to really experience what ever you are trying to connect with.

Reality 1


Reality 2

Unlimited Boundaries=Logic

Reality 1 is living by the society’s and the worlds rules. Where there is a limit, to your boundaries, and although they may seem logical, you are just another person living by the rules of society. And you will more than likely rebound into any stage but a good stage, and not know how to control it. Its like living inside of a box.

Reality 2 Is filled with love, control of your own “real” feelings. You think more of outside the box, and take in to consideration of the many possibilities that life has to offer. There is an unlimited amount of boundaries, and its still logical. Although it may not be logical to all, it will be you and to others like you living in the 2nd reality. 

DO NOT get confused between the two reality and split personalities, because in a way I think some people will interpret this as they can have two different reality’s and live two different lives. Although that may be true, but not in this case, because your brain is one, not split into two. Also note that “Out of fears and your own thoughts, your mind will make-up emotions that do not exist”. You must learn how to let go of these emotions and move on.